Eric questions: The way I dealt with the death of my mother -in -law has created a crack in the family

Dear Eric: A few years ago my mother -in -law died because of dementia. During the time of her illness, my husband and I took care of everything, including the sale of her house, the auction of her estate, how to deal with her friend, who could never admit that she had dementia and dealing with the covid restrictions for visiting. Remarkably, my brother -in -law lives in the upper middle west; We and his mother live in Florida. The burden was placed on us, not him.

On the day of her visit it was only my husband and me. I photographed her peacefully in her coffin and forwarded her to my brother -in -law. I got a devastating email from my brother-in-law and said he had specifically asked not to send any pictures from her dead. He just wanted to remember her (how comfortable).

To be honest, I didn't remember this conversation because I was too stressed by the whole torture. I feel guilty of sending the pictures, but I'm not really sorry that you finally had to deal with your passing hand. They didn't have to live the ordeal as we did. I felt that the pictures were something I had to share. Should I feel guilty to send them because I still do it?

– regret photo

Dear photo: Guilt is not a very useful emotion. Sometimes it is good information, but what matters is what we are doing in internal and external guilt.

I know that the complicated process of setting up her mother -in -law's matters, especially at Covid Lockdown, was difficult for her. But you have to recognize that what your brother -in -law has to do is also difficult his own rejection of his mother's illness. There is no hierarchy of suffering. You can start to relieve some of these – you and yours – by turning, apologizing and trying to go well again.

In the large scheme, they apologize. They did not show up for their mother -in -law, which would have been helpful, and that is not fair. But you cannot determine how your brother -in -law remembers his mother or how he processes his grief. Their actions, as you described them, were not malignant, but it is important to recognize their effects.

• • •

Dear Eric: I am friends with a few sisters, but closer to the other. I recently invited you to a weekend trip where we should be invited with a private cooking meal. Less tight sister immediately announced that she “avoids gluten”, which of our menu obviously complicated. On the way, she reported on her “cheat night” with a lot of gluten the evening before and happily consumed lunch (gluten -containing) lunch. I know that there is no real way to say: “Your nutritional needs only seem to appear if you can be an inconvenience/pain in the butt”, but I'm really angry when you travel with her again even though I like her. Suggestions?

-Gluten-tolerant

Dear gluten-tolerant: The simplest solution is simply not a private dinner of a private chef or to find out what he should cook to meet the nutritional needs of everyone. Isn't that the chef's job?

It is quite a leap to linger a private dinner for reunion with this person. Sometimes when our opinions change to people, everything they do can go to anger. I wonder if this could happen here. To consider something.

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Dear Eric: “Carpooling” would like to be reimbursed for a 30-mile trip to petrol to collect a friend's disabled son from the bus stop. The “dear friend” request does not take place very often. My two cents are the following: Losing or even insulting a “dear friend” is not worth a price, let alone the price for a few gallon petrol (10 US dollars or less). True friends grant preference to inquire, if possible, and normally without expecting anything. If it becomes a regular request, then the topic is definitely, but a rare request is really a “fallen”, and the granting of favors has a way to return to you. Instead, “carpools” could imagine this as a meal that she could take to her friend if she were sick (and would probably spend more than $ 10 in this case).

– Dear friends are invaluable

Love priceless: Ten dollars are not the same everywhere and the same for every budget. The letter writer not only complains; The letter states that the frequency of inquiries in combination with the amount caused financial difficulty. It is important to remember that the finances of all are different and that the simple favor of a person is the route of another person. The bourgeois tributaries of dear friends go in both directions; If I had a dear friend whose load I could light up through the gas price, I would tempt the opportunity.