I studied the story of death. I know how we can better confront our grief and our own mortality Molly Conisbee

MYears ago, as part of a school house task project, I asked my grandparents, which was the most important social change during lifetime. Two of them replied “child mortality”. I was surprised. Were there any other, more important experiences in long life that had extended from the first and second world war until the 1980s?

But now that I am older and experienced grief, I understand your answers. Both grandparents had sisters who died of Diphtherie. And my grandfather's younger brother died of sepsis, which means that his parents had buried two of their four children before the age of three. Her childhood was deeply shaped by loss. The child mortality was terribly common at that time, and many people spent a large part of their life of their earliest years with the emotional fallout of grief that shaped their life in old age.

I have researched the history of death in the past 10 years and at the same time trained as a mourning consultant. In my book no ordinary death – an mortality story of the people – I argue that we have to learn a lot from the past, especially in compassion that is shown to those who face the end of life, and those who have to struggle with the emotional gap of grief and loss.

The differences between today and the past a few generations are enormous. Today most people die in hospitals or nursing homes, but most died at home until the 20th century. Relatives or close friends usually washed and prepared the body for the funeral. The time between death and funeral was understood as a dangerous and unstable moment for the spirit, and some communities developed elaborate wake rituals that could include smoking, drinking, singing, playing and “tricksters” (like lowering a hidden body, which in the 19th century from the 19th century, dismantled a slowdown, as in the Wales from the year 19. Century was recorded in order to distract any dislocation to distract any aversion to control the souls.

Wakes could last from hours to days and even weeks; A topic that horrified the public healthcare system from the 19th century. In fact, such practices were regularly referred to as one of the main reasons why a funeral reform was necessary, and demanded that funerals should take place quickly after death and cemeteries should be pulled away from the city centers and in the suburbs.

Nowadays, dying and death are at least in wealthy western societies, which are mostly managed institutionally and are medically determined. If we do not work in healthcare or emergency services, it is a relatively unusual experience to see a body. And we can usually determine the moment of death.

Without simple access to a doctor, a stethoscope (only invented in 1816) or the technology that we can assess today when heartbeat and brain function are stopped, the end of life was previously open to all types of interpretations. A mirror, a feather on the lips, the last raspe of agony, an elster on the roof, bark a black dog – all types of signs and symbols can mean the end. But until the body began to fist, which could take several days, the time between lively but new and dead was not always precise. The idea of ​​signs of death and care of the dying person was a qualified role that was often taken on by older women who gathered comfort offered and family, friends and priests when they judged that the moment of death was approaching.

The moment of death was particularly important because it marked the beginning of activities to protect the spiritual integrity of the soul, which may have candles (light around the dead was very important), the cleaning and putting on the body, closing or placing coins on the eyes and the bringing of aromatic herbs or personal objects such as Rosary, a favorite toy (for a child), an estimated cup or a testing Cup packed in the parts packed to deal with the body. It is likely that the placement of such tabs is a pre -Christian practice and can have several meanings. Perhaps this were regarded as objects that would be useful in the hereafter; For some municipalities who use things that belonged to the dead, it is considered bad luck, so in the event that they only bury them with their original owner in the event.

We could think of grief and consolative literature such as Julia Samuel's best -selling funeral work Or Megan Devines is okay that you are not doing well As a modern phenomenon, but for centuries, printing machines have leaders to die and grief from good mourns and a mixture of abundant earthly and spiritual administrative and emotional advice for preparing the end and coping with loss.

While we may find some of the excesses of the Victorian mourning ritual – full and wear heavy, dark clothing for months or even years, veiled mirrors and mourning tea – today the recognition of grief deeply in the social structures of the past. For many of us, grief is the deepest experience we will have. The expectation that people should “continue” or to pull themselves over the loss is to mislead their potential, to disturb our self -confidence. In the past, it was not unusual to find “grief” as the cause of death for corpse rolls or death certificates. Lives that were spent in closer relationship to death recognized how it can overwhelm us.

Perhaps paradoxically, our medical approach at the end of life has now led to a resumer of interest in some of the old ways to manage mortality. Death Doulas seem to wear the flashlight of the “death observers” of the past and recognize that ends can be supported, caring, even joyful. The modern “death positive” movement encourages when you feel able to wash and look after family and friends, your dead, and there is indications that it can help us to be more involved in these processes to accept death and loss and to process our grief.

For me there is also a more radical message. If we can learn without fear of the idea of ​​our own mortality, it can be a liberating action to look at the fact that we will die. We can use it to rethink our relationship to accumulate things or to think about the type of personal heritage, if available, we want to go. And maybe we can also learn to be able to fall back on the past and to take the best and human elements, how death was expected, supported the dying and, perhaps most importantly, grief and grief. If you do this, we can return to a deeper relationship with mortality, a kind of modern attitude too Media Vita in Morte Sumus – – In the middle of life we ​​are in death.

• Molly Conisbee is a social historian, the research scholarship holder at the Center for Death and Society of the University of Bath and Author of No Ordinary Deaths