Interview with pastor, author and mourning consultant Fran Tilton Shelton

The Ministry of Rev. Dr. Fran Tilton Shelton as a Presbyterian pastor (PCUSA) has always been geared towards pastoral care and grief – so much that her late husband Bob humorously called her “funeral fran”.

Shelton is a more community -binding in the First Presbyterian Church of Dallas and is also a spiritual director and co -founder of Faith & Grief Ministrie, a non -profit organization with a national footprint.

Between parish orders, Shelton provided her husband, Rev. Dr. Robert Mcelroy Shelton, a former President of Austin Theological Seminary, around her husband. Published in 2019, “No Winter lasts forever: A memoir of the loved ones from Bob & Hubying Alzheimer” was created when she thought about the experience of caring for a loved one. Her book from 2023 is entitled: “The spirituality of grief: ten practices for those who stay.”

This interview was processed for length and clarity.

Elizabeth Eisenstadt Evans: You have taken pastoral care in various churches. But how did you get engaged especially for working with grief?

Dr. Fran Tilton Shelton: I was extremely blessed with three calls (for the Ministry), all of which were excellent. The last (before my current position) was in a large church in Dallas, Texas, where I was called for pastoral care. Interestingly, they had already prepared me a mourning course in the first week in which I started. I tell the people with a laugh that I am such a terrible magician that I didn't even know that “I” had grief before “E”. I found that the people with whom I worked in the classes were so incredibly real.

I really wanted to research what people comfort. I wrote down for the doctor of the Ministry in Austin (Theological Seminary) and concentrated my work and the theological training in relation to grief. Part of the project was to work with a small group of people who had different types of losses. I learned so much from these people. For example, some of them said they prefer when people call them on their birthday of their beloved birthday, and not on the anniversary of their death because this is really something special.

They want to be in a community of people who understand grief. I also knew that churches were really good with people at first when they go through the planning of the service and then rejuvenate. But grief lasts. It changes the intensity, but it does not disappear because grief is only about love. They appreciated it so that they had a safe place where they could be regular to process their stories. A man said: let me tell you how my grief faith collided with my faith when my 9-year-old daughter died. Just think someone had the courage to say that loudly.

Evans: You started lunch and organization, which at that time became faith and grief, right?

Shelton: Yes, three women, including two pastors, founded Faith & Grief. We founded because we always received questions like: Can we do what they do? We needed something official, something to which humans could be trained. So many funeral programs have a speaker who speaks for an hour.

We founded in 2013. We trained carpenters to keep the conversation going and enable people to speak. Now we have programs in the USA. Our mission is to offer people who mourn the same way through workshops, retreats, monthly self -help groups and podcasts. It is amazing what we continue to learn from people who mourn. The ministry continues to grow.

Evans: What was your first experience with grief?

Shelton: When I was in the third class, my wonderful Swedish babysitter died, Miss Malm,. Then the mourning continued, including my brothers -in grandparents and finally my husband. I was raised in a house with an alcoholic father that represents his own dynamics of grief.

Evans: As you suggest, grief is not always about death, right?

Shelton: Grief can also happen if we look forward to things, maybe like promotion, which means that you are pulling with all new people from a city with which they are familiar with. When my late husband lost his first wife, he was a workaholic, so he used to go to the office and later stayed. During the World Series, he even brought television to the office because he didn't want to be alone in this home. I met two young men who lost their father.

They came to my office and fought hard. “Our mother goes to Neiman Marcus and buys many things and we don't know what to do.” I asked her how her mother [dealt with difficult events] Before her father died and she told me that she went shopping. As my grandmother always said, grief does not make mourning to reveal us, even things that we don't really like about ourselves. You will learn to manage to deal with dealing with each other.

There are all types of grief, from the connection (in which many events take place at the same time) to ambiguous mourning, such as life with a loved one with Alzheimer's. In a way, the person is no longer with them, but then they are right in front of them.

Evans: What should people know about grief? What do people who mourn together?

Shelton: When my colleague says Rev. Dr. Wendy Fenn: Grief is a level. People really don't care about church politics or sacramental theology when a loved one has died. They stand with broken hearts on the flat floor. Then we all have a so -called binding disorder. The person they are connected with with the person who gave them a meaning and the person has been replaced and they have to find out: How should I live the rest of my life?

Evans: Like this Lord, who said his grief and faith came together when his nine -year -old daughter died?

Shelton: Well, her whole world crashes. It is not the case that faith and grief overlap in a polite, comfortable way. They are brought to their knees and try to find out how they can be put together again.

Evans: How has grief changed your spirituality?

Shelton: It gave me a spirituality in which I realized that in this culture we tended to deny death, not to talk about it. But in life and in death we belong to God. I am firmly convinced that the spirit is the author of Comfort. That doesn't change. [In grieving] We must have people around us who can speak without fear, truth, truth. We are not afraid of what we have to do.

Death is part of life. I always see that God's mercy is there and continues to be amazed at the love and patience that God extends to us. God loves us and hangs there with us. Grief really enlarges her heart and fulfills it with compassion for others.