The death of Jelena Dokic's father shows the “difficult and complicated grief” to lose a alienated parent

Cuming the death of a parent is often regarded as a natural part of life. However, there are additional layers of complexity if they had a difficult or alienated relationship.

This week, the former tennis star Jelena Dokic confirmed the death of her father and former coach Damir, whose verbal, physical and emotional abuse revealed her in 2009 and was further described in her autobiography in 2017. They had been alienated for a decade.

In a social media contribution on Thursday, Dokic wrote about his “contradictory and complex feelings and feelings” for his death:

No matter how difficult, difficult and even not in the past 10 years [sic] Our relationship and communication was never easy to lose a parent […] The loss of a alienated parent is associated with difficult and complicated grief.

Dokics messages remind you that when a parent dies, not all of us can mourn a stable, warm and calming relationship.

As in her case, a tense relationship could even be characterized by abuse or abuse. Giving up contacts can sometimes be the best, albeit difficult choice.

When the parent dies, the loss can feel surprisingly complex. We can mourn both the literal death of the parent and the figurative death of what should have been – what we wanted and wished.

Death can trigger more than sadness

Grief is not a single emotion. It usually includes a combination of many. Frequent feelings can include sadness, guilt, anger and even relief.

Dokic informed her social media contribution under contradictory emotions that she decided to concentrate on a good memory.

Grief can go beyond the feelings. It can interfere with eating and sleeping habits and impair memory and concentration.

Deaths can also affect relationships.

For example, someone can receive a lot of social support from family, friends and colleagues when wearing. But for others, the support you want is possibly not in termination. The lack of support is another loss and is associated with poorer physical and mental health.

Family members can also react in different ways. It can be if your siblings react differently, for example through the parts of memories of a parent that they found hard and far away.

A death can also influence your financial reputation. A grieving person can be burdened with outstanding invoices and funeral payments. Or the effects can be positive through bottlenecks from insurance and inheritance.

What if I'm not sad?

With grief it is okay to feel how you feel. They may think they mourn the “wrong” away, but it can be helpful to remember that there are no strict rules on how to mourn “properly”.

Be gentle to you. And give other family members who may have had a different relationship with the parent and therefore mourn differently, the same courtesy.

It is also okay to feel in conflict to go to the funeral.

In this case, take the time to think through the advantages and disadvantages of participation. It can be helpful to process your grief and receive support. Or you have the feeling that participation is too difficult or emotionally insecure for you.

If you want to participate, it can help to work with someone who can support you through you.

In an alienated relationship, the adult child may not even be able to inform about the death of the parent for many weeks or months after. This means that there is no way to participate in the funeral or other funeral rituals. Consider making your own rituals to process the loss and grief.

What if I'm sad – but still hurts?

It can be really confusing to be sad about the death of a parent with which we had a difficult, tense or violent relationship.

Recognizing where these contradictory thoughts and feelings come from can help.

You may need to acknowledge and mourn the loss of your parent, the loss of the parent-child relationship you deserve, and even the loss of hope and re-connection.

In many cases, it is a combination of these losses that can make grief more difficult.

It can also be difficult to receive the social support you need from family, friends and colleagues.

These potential helpers are the difficulties that they have occurred in the relationship may not consciously or faith that restless relationships are easier to mourn.

It can feel like a taboo to speak sick of the dead, but it could be helpful to make it clear about the relationship and your needs so that people can support them better.

Indeed, wearing the death of people with whom we have challenging, contradictory or even abusive relationships can lead to more grief than the death of those with whom we shared a warm, loving and simpler relationship.

If the loss is particularly difficult and your grief does not change and does not allow yourself over time, look for your general practitioner. You may be able to recommend a psychologist or consultant with specialist knowledge in mourning.

Alternatively, you will find certified funeral practitioners who have a special training in mourning support online or support Griefline at 1300 845 745 by phone.